Even as I peel back the "freshness" seal I warn myself- "You know this is just going to upset you later..."
Oh yes, I know but I go on digging the grave of a thousand healthy decisions in a fell swoop like someone else is running my spoon. And the same old traitor, she reminds me that its not too far from here to our old hangout brimming with holiday treats and trite reasons like "after all we might as well." It's tempting, to leap off my wagon until New Year's, but that's what it would be- a leap -not a fall. I know I can keep myself on; but fitness isn't two faced. I'll have to throw her off first and there's a part of me that doesn't want to.
Still I call her out. I can give her no quarter.
I will be true even when, NO, especially when I succumb. Falling for packaging that someone deliberately designed to fit in one hand, passing off four servings as one.
So I say it: " I betrayed my best self," but not for long.
I am sick on the words & not even Ben & Jerry can mask the bitter taste.
The scale said I was safe, but I knew I wasn't. Just because you can't weigh a ghost doesn't mean its gone.
I can hear her, conniving, justifying, maneuvering worse than the caloric math--the aftermath. There is a part of me that is drawn to her like John Nash was to Charles and Marcee in "A Beautiful Mind" but "she never grows up" either. The myth unravels. I leave its shadow behind and run for sunlight.
I face the glare ushering in pathetic reality.
I say it out loud, the same day.
I messed up.
I ate the entire carton.
And as if I clicked my own Ruby slippers...I am back where I belong. In that instant, in the disinfecting sun, what feels weak reveals underlying strength. Like a fast fever that recognizes an intruding virus and will not relent to keep you comfortable. Healing takes Truth : Truth Heals. I'm done saving face. I'll save the rest of me instead.
