Your Inner Demons May Say “NO"...

My trainers banished certain words in their presence.

Josh (my first trainer ever) outlawed the word “can't.” Greg taught me not to constantly apologize . So, at least in the gym, I rarely say "sorry" or let my trainees say it.

I'm working on “should” now.  

Not the explicit “should” but the voice in my head that constantly criticizes…you know the one…

“you should be… 

better or faster or braver… 

you "should” be

able to finish or accomplish much more…"

This critic inside me doesn't ever help me with yes.

Who can be inspired or inspiring if they feel small and pathetic?  

I may never be faster or better or smarter or braver. 

But I am inspired and I know I'm living proof that miracles happen.

There is no earthly reason why someone like me loses 100 pounds, falls in love with running & can't keep it quiet.  There are plenty of people with more talent & ability about most things --but not about that.  That's the point.  I'm not special or particularly gifted and I did it.  I drowned out my inner demons-- you can too.

Turn No Into Yes Despite Injuries, Restrictions and Setbacks

When injuries occur, the pain isn’t merely physical. What starts out as a mixture of infirmity and adrenaline-withdrawal, is compounded by the deep seeded fear of an epic relapse into inertia and obesity.  Part of recognizing that your body is not “the enemy” is acting like an ally when problems arise. I can’t let frustration fester but I also can’t train on as if I am 100 %.

Honestly, being debilitated is barely survivable. So, more and more injury prevention is a top fitness goal. It’s not flashy but to someone who solves a 30-year food addiction with a daily endorphin fix it is crucial.

Having spent most of the last year hurt (and angry about it) I can attest, I actually train more not less. It’s not a financial decision for me. It’s necessity.  Address rather than ignore your symptoms. Keep the same workout schedule but modify the exercises.

Figure out what your absolute threshold is and how to protect it from actual enemies--especially the voice in your head-- that recklessly sacrifices anatomy to ambition. Remember we are playing for keeps.

January Doesn't Count

Despite many resolutions, declarations, purchases and promises, January behavior never changed my level of health and fitness.  All of these aspirations were stuck on "the calendar."  They never made it onto "MY Calendar."  Registering for my first race taught me the difference; that a date circled on "MY Calendar" is like magic.  And that magic turns NO into YES.

Even if you haven't seen this in your fitness you have worked this magic.  MY Calendar is what happens when we plan a trip, a move, a wedding, and even dreaded things like funerals,  operations and rehab.  No matter how work or school or politics or weather bombard us, we Find Yes because "MY Calendar" always supersedes the calendar. We flex time, we make a way, we get help, we Find Yes-not someday but NOW.  We just typically, culturally don't apply this concept to fitness.  But, we can.

To merge "the calendar" and "MY Calendar" I chose twelve issues that interfere with my own fitness and are common struggles for my clients.  Although instinct nags at me to wait until all twelve are ready to publish, I am defying that instinct for perfection for the action of progress.    So Hello February 3, 2017 turns out you are now number one.

Exercise = Happy U Magazine Winter 2017

 

You Can't Fire A Girl on a Mission-- Part 2

In September of 2013 I learned that my department in corporate membership was summarily disbanded and that I would be interviewed for other positions in that company.  But, how can you stop a girl on a mission?

I had been promoting fitness before they ever hired me.  I have to do it.  It’s impossible for me not to.

Since April of 2011, I had been doing this for a major fitness organization call center.  I was grateful.  I had learned a lot.  But, I knew I could do more--because I was not just working on commission, I am working on a mission.  Every single day I talk to people whose ideas and schedules and budgets are screaming NO even though they want to (or even temporarily do) say YES to fitness.  Believe me; I don’t need a sales script to inspire them.  I AM them.  I have been obese, injured, broke, overscheduled, unmotivated, and unconvinced.  I have put my infant in the play room even though I was nervous; I have cancelled my cable in order to keep my gym membership; and everything in between.

I know management likes everything to be uniform.  No matter how I crunch the clock, I can’t be. But, our studio isn’t typical either.  I know the standard is for forty hours but I promise I’m going to defy the standard anyway.  Maybe you can too.  There may be ideas and schedules and budgets that say NO but we all know YES is still in there.

PS: To my amazing clients @ Arborcrest.  You Are Yes.  Every single day in Blue Bell you make dreams come true.  You better believe that's a two way arrangement.

71 Days

Note: My friend and colleague Andy Ambruch has entered the 2016 Ultimate Men’s Health Guy Contest.  For those of you who know my story but don’t know Andy, the most telling anecdote I think is that when I was totally incapacitated with plantar fasciitis and frustrated beyond belief, Andy (whose schedule was over full already) trained me in the pool where we worked at PSC Highpoint.  Literally helped me get back on my feet again.  And then 8 months later ran my Broad Street long runs with me on weekends (just twice so as not to repeat my past mistakes.)   To be the picture of health and fitness takes an amazing amount of determination and hard work.  To have the vision to see that picture in everyone else and relentlessly strive to carve it into being well, that is rare magic indeed.

Confession time.  I’m not voting for Andy for Ultimate Men’s Health Guy because he deserves it. (He ABSOLUTELY does of course but many of the contestants probably do   Big deal.)  I’m voting for Andy because WE deserve it.

WE have lost too many fathers, grandfathers, brothers, and friends to the rat race that takes our endlessly adventurous fort builders and flag football quarterbacks, geniuses and jedi, farm boys and superheroes, and reduces them to workaholics, frequent flyers, patients and invalids. 

We need a different body on our magazine covers.  Not a model but a role model for real health and fitness that endures through, NO expects adversity and makes you believe that there are dreams waiting for you on the other side. 

That today you can be great at your job, be counted on by your family, and make time for the run or game or class or mountain that makes you glad you’re here.  And that it is never too late because “The sun comes up every day…”

And for the next 71 times that it does I am summoning all the wives and sisters and daughters and mothers who sit in cath labs and rehabs and churches.  We have 71 days to stand up and say:  “It is going to be different for my son…”

Put it on your calendar people.  http://ultimateguy.menshealth.com/entry/36/

How to Lose 50-100 Pounds-Step 2-Healthy Eating

Step 2: Make Healthy Eating a Way of Life

Truth, I lost 100 pounds in two years.  But, eight years later I still basically eat the same.  Initially I used Weight Watchers, but any sensible plan is just as valid.  The trick for me was choosing something that would work in any situation.  In other words, pick something you can stay on weekdays and weekends, whether you cook or do takeout, at home or when you travel.  Because, if you don't you'll quit.  Quitting for me was not/is not an option. Quitting is the same as saying "I plan to gain back every ounce I lost and more."  I had to choose something that I wanted to stay on for good.  OK, maybe "wanted" is a stretch because I didn't want to be on a diet any more than I want to be on a budget.  But, physics and economics don't care about what you want.  They simply deal in cause & effect.

So, pick a plan that is going to let you have a life.  That doesn't mean it is easy.  Change is hard. But positive change is cumulative too.  So, even though there were things about my program that I resisted, I could phase in these changes and make steady progress. (Just like you can take baby steps to gain financial security.) I have to admit, one of the things I resisted most  has been recording all of my food.  Not because I was cheating.  But, because I had obsessed over food for so long I just wanted to live like someone who never had an issue with eating.  And, it worked.  I could make enough substitutions and exert enough portion control to get to my goal.  But, ten years later I don't see a food journal the same way, or even generate it the same way- thanks to technology.  So, what was once a chore and a stigma to me now seems a lot more of a resource to see how I can do even better.  And, don't stress about the mistakes.  That is why this is Step 2 and not Step 1.  By making weight loss a team effort in Step 1 you are setting yourself up for permanent success whether today is a good day or not.  You are not alone against a culture that is brainwashing you every day to use food for things food can never really accomplish: comfort, celebration, entertainment, company, etc.  You are creating a new culture for yourself that says, really food has to just be fuel for a life where people and actions will provide all the comfort, celebration, entertainment and company I need.

The Big "IF"

" To Believe is to Be Strong.

Doubt Cramps Energy.

Belief is Power."

(FDR to Churchill

in the HBO Film Into the Storm)

Two decades of dieting, binging, resolving and retreating don't only wreck the metabolism and compromise our health and confidence; they prove that we lack credibility with others, with ourselves most of all.
So, when we see success stories, new weight loss plans, best selling books, or great promotions at the gym that motivate us to launch into yet another fitness campaign--how to sustain the effort is the big question.
When the initial rally fades and we want to throw up our hands-- so much of it is driven by self doubt. The best ammunition I ever got for conquering my weight issues for good was when my trainer told me:

"It is impossible for it not to work.

If you do what I say it works every time."

Of course, that is a BIG "if." But, it got so much smaller that day.

New Me Versus Old Me

1. Imagine "New Me" is your best friend.  
2. Be honest with her no matter what.  
3. Recognize her hard work and success in spite of setbacks and frustration.
4. Defend fitness as her absolute birthright.  
5. Feed her body and soul with the best ingredients.  
6. Surround her with people who do the same.  
7. Don't let anyone underestimate her- especially "Old Me"
8. Have patience- for life has seasons of blatant growth and quiet root building
9. Schedule FUN-sing, dance, laugh and cheer for/with her.
10. Honor her dreams-Remember--I can see her when some can't and I swear she won't let you down.

Merry Christmas Genius-You Know Who You Are

  Merry Christmas Genius!  You already know practically everything I would say as a trainer and a client.  I am blessed beyond my measure.  Training would be amazing even if all that happened was that the future changed so much for the better.  But, like Christmas, training takes the past too and mostly revises it. So these old wounds and scars that once caused so much pain and regret: being obese, being fired, being injured, weak and ever-so-convinced that nothing would ever change--they cease being the offenses they once were and ultimately become the map that saves not just your own life, but that of anyone who follows.

Commit to Yourself & Get Paid for It!

Experts know the value of keeping a food diary when it comes to weight loss.  Studies (like one conducted by American Journal of Preventive Medicine) show that people who record their food intake 6 days/week or more lose twice as much weight as those who did not.  But, did you know you can get paid to track your nutrition?  From your smart phone, you can access PACT an app that links to My Fitness Pal. 

https://www.pactapp.com/

PACT allows you to make a commitment like tracking your food every day; and if you keep your PACT, you get paid $1/day (not to mention the health benefits that should inspire such goals)

How does it work?  You set up a penalty for not meeting the commitment which is linked to your credit/debit or Paypal account.  If the $1/day isn’t enough to motivate you; PACT has shown that paying the price (again the health/wellness costs should be enough, right?) for missing the mark keeps users highly motivated.  But, not everyone-- of course, that’s where the reward money comes from.  So, commit to positive change & get paid for it too!

Dancing on the Edge

And so it goes, the demon is never too far away. It's the one that circles and tempts you into a feeling of false complacency, the feeling that you can eat what you want and you don't have to run or do any work out if you don't want to. It keeps edging its way into my success and trying desperately to sabotage the best of my healthy food choices and exercising goals. The demon invites you to the dance. It spreads its arms in perfect posture begging you to enter into its hold. It seems so enticing, beckoning you into itself, promising you that sugar and lazy hanging  around are deserving treats and will only take you a turn or two around the dance floor for a little while.  Not too much pressure just  gently letting you in to begin spinning around, languishing into yourself, dancing around the very thin edge of a spiral only to be sucked into its vortex of false promises.

Today I woke up in a sugar stupor. Too much picnic food and not anything remotely healthy. Frankly my recent unhealthy choices were not as bad as previous years, but what I discovered is that I don't have to eat as much as I once did for me to get drunk on sweets. Yes, I use the word drunk because I realize now how toxic sugar is to my body. First, I woke up not feeling good, second my thinking was hazy and not clear, third, I continued to make poor eating choices until late in the afternoon. Then, something inside me made me want to stop dancing.   I made the decision, with help from someone who understands the dance, that  this current dance party was over.  I had to physically make myself leave the floor, put on my sneakers and run, yes run to shake off the urge to continue spinning out of control.

What I know for sure is that this dance will probably beckon to me again since most of my life I have chosen its steps. But I have a new partner that is gaining strength within and setting me up to call out the demon of the spiral before I step out onto floor. Commit to success it says because that is the only dance you have an invitation to attend.

My Scale is An Idiot

It's May.  The display on my scale hasn't changed in 2014.  Well, that's not exactly true; over the last 4 months it has inched up and back the same kilogram or two.  What the hell?!?  I am training harder than ever.  My nutrition is stricter than ever.  And God knows the enemy in my mind is as quick to pounce as ever despite a decade winning the obesity war  (and yes it is WAR): "You are getting nowhere...What a waste of time...energy...money!!!"  Moments like this cue up images of Mexican food and Gelato like movie trailers in my head.  I mean...what's the difference, right?  EXCEPT MY SCALE IS AN IDIOT.  Correction, it is idiotic to use a scale as an absolute measure of success because:

Have to admit that I have been an unwilling student of physics most of my life.  But, I know my enemy better than I used to.  And so, in January when my training changed to prepare for the Tough Mudder I recorded my measurements.  I wanted to understand how lifting heavier weights and adding more explosive exercises would manifest on me physically.  And, now, 100 days later, I can say for certain I WOULD BE AN IDIOT IF I MEASURED THE LAST 100 DAYS BY MY SCALE.  Here's what really happened while I did the first monkey bars and vertical jumps of my life:

 

  

Six inches in 100 days.  Maybe you'll always have a naysayer in your head.  But you don't have to listen to her.

Tough Stuff

When I signed up for the Tough Mudder I knew there was only one thing about it that appealed to me--the team--my actual team and the entire Team running along side of us. The camaraderie culture of the Tough Mudder is an amazing, inspiring part of this event; you'll see it over and over as teammates and complete strangers literally lift each other up throughout the day.  Crucially though, this is probably where my affection for the Mudder ends, and the actual challenge just begins.  Which means I basically detest and suck at most of what I signed up for: dirt, pain, fear, extremes, etc.  Making the day of the Tough Mudder, well, not surprisingly, miserable.  A chosen misery, that took all of my agility, strength, allies, and grit to keep advancing on the path... not unlike the challenge of obesity itself.  And although I barely have what it takes to earn an orange headband at the Tough Mudder, on the Obesity Course, I am working on the black one, already anchored at the top of that Everest and reaching as far and as long as I can to anyone who needs a boost over that slippery slope.

 

Getting from Here to There with Excess Baggage

So one of the lovely details about modern commercial flying is the baggage and deciding between carrying on and checking the luggage.  There was a time I avoided checking bags no matter what items I might have to go without.  But the security demands that dictate the liquids you carry and the apparent threat of one's shoes now have converted me.....especially when like today I am packing a week's worth of stuff.  And, though I may concede the $25 fee I am not about to hand over another $60 for exceeding the weight restriction.  So there I am at 3:45am weighing first myself and then hoisting the huge suitcase so I can weigh us both.  My husband has to check the display because if I move at all to see the screen the scale will just read "error."  I have to hold the bag vertically to stay still and it's extremely hard for me to basically upright row such an unwieldy thing and stay motionless so he can check.  But, I manage it for the 2-3 seconds we need and happily we confirm that the suitcase is just under the limit.  I am grateful when I can set it down and just wheel it to the car.  But, then it occurs to me that even though I applied all my muscle to hold it- the combined weight of me and the suitcase is still 45 pounds less than what I once weighed alone-about as much as the bag weights today.  So, I regularly carried more than twice that much around every minute with no breaks and far less muscle.  Somehow the fleeting burdens of my travels seem inconsequential now.  And, if TSA inspects further they'll find that getting from here to there takes running shoes, trail shoes, hiking boots, a baseball for massage, The Stick and a jump rope for a girl like me to make it all the way to Sedona.

Just in Case at Christmastime

My family and I have spent many days on the road to and from Wisconsin and Iowa and probably half these road trips were at Christmastime.  I never really mind; but our car always looks like we are expecting a disaster: tire chains, snow pants, jumper cables, quilts, bottled water, just in case.  In some ways, Christmas Eve carries the same anticipation.  It is a marathon of a day, and before I really get going I am troubleshooting.  That's why at 7am I am making lunch.  Dinner is late, after Church with a huge crowd, and of course the traditional Italian Feast of Seven Fishes.  But, my best time for being strategic is in the morning.  And, for me, especially at Christmas, I am strategic about food. Not because I am wearing a cocktail dress, although believe me choosing a fitted outfit is totally deliberate. I don't want to kid myself into thinking I have room for gluttony, gluttony isn't worthy of Christmas to me.  I am intentional about my food because for too long I elevated it to a status beyond the people I was having the food with, a compulsion which led me to pain I am unwilling to endure ever again.  So, what's guarding me from hunger-driven, sugar-driven, busy-driven recklessness this afternoon?  Whole Foods' Butternut Squash Soup.  It is simmering away, only gets better no matter how long my to do list may be, and is super healthy!  So, think about it yourself, an early Christmas present...setting yourself up for a very Merry day!  Remember, it's a choice.

"Finding Yes" During the Holidays

There was always an intense fear of failure that came with my holidays. Failure to reach the bar I always set for myself. That was most likely because if, and. or when I reached the bar, I would move it. In truth, I am not even certain I know what the goal was although it definitely involved losing weight, getting thinner, striving for perfection. As I moved through the weeks of preparation for the next holiday party or event I would come to realize I could not reach my lofty weight loss goals.  I had too much weight to lose and it was just not going to happen. About a week before Christmas I would start feeling really deprived . Poor me, I couldn't eat the Christmas cookies, the candy, the high calorie snacks or appetizers that were being offered, because I was too fat. This led me to believe that I would never reach the bar so why not just put it down. If I didn't have the challenge then I wouldn't have the fight. I surrendered to the power of the food and totally gave into to its all encompassing control of me. I could say there were some valid reasons for my apathy, and I am sure you might agree with how these reasons rightly played a part in the demise of my healthy eating plan. But the fact remains I chose to put down the tools and take up feeding the wound inside me that continued to fester its ever present mantra of "you're not good enough"

I am happy and humbled to report that this holiday has "shaped up"(pardon the pun )  differently.  First and foremost there is no bar. It is only me and my conscious decision to become healthy. "I choose the food, it does not choose me". Let me explain what I mean by this. Example number one; I was invited to my granddaughter's birthday party where I knew there would be homemade ice cream which I love. I made a conscious decision before going that I would not be eating ice cream that day. It felt drastically different to be in charge and oh so good to know I was totally OK with this decision. Not depravation but exhilaration at the fact that I could choose my "Yes"

Example number two; I entered a 5K Turkey Trot held in our town on Thanksgiving Day. When the day presented itself it was bone chilling cold and the course was icy and quite slushy. I had run the route many times in the weeks leading up to race day, but never in the type of whether this day delivered. In all honesty, there was one nanosecond where the thought of not running floated across my radar promoting weather related excuses. I chose to run, though the reasons not to, presented themselves palpably. I chose my "Yes" and even in 14 degree weather came in 3rd  for my age group out of 740  runners.

I could go on with the changes occurring inside me but my point is that they are happening .Today I ran 4 miles. I said Yes to healthy and have begun healing the inner wounds that have plagued me daily for what seems like an eternity. For so much of my life I was willful in forcing changes through my own will or I was will-less giving up because I was tired of trying. But it wasn't until I became willing that I stumbled upon the great gift of "Finding Yes" and began discovering I am so worth it!!!

I did it!

About 60 days ago I made a commitment to hike the Pinnacle near Hamburg with my husband, my biggest supporter, and two special people who bring only goodness and light to me on my journey. It was a goal I set for myself to train for and to work toward. Yesterday was the day of the hike and we could not have had better weather, no wind and temperatures in the 50's. I must admit I was nervous and fearful that it would be too much for me. At the very least, I am dragging an extra fifty pounds around, finding any incline to be a breathing challenge.  Yet here I was committing to hike the Pinnacle. Yes a pinnacle, an apex, acme, crest, peak, summit or any other synonym you might name; they all mean ascending upward. Fear began to rear its ugly head, and because I opened that door, it came seeping in stealing away my inner resolve. I really had to fight its takeover of my ambition, training time and commitment.

The Pinnacle is a 9 mile section of the Appalachian Trail that is moderately difficult because of its rocky terrain  and steep incline. I was told that it is the most difficult part of the AT in Pennsylvania. That being said it wasn't easy, and I remained determined but breathless much of the way up. The rocks are more like giant boulders at several parts and one needs to carefully find a sturdy foothold to cross their path. I had help and encouragement although fear occasionally leaked its message inside my inner resolve wanting to take over my  determination. With quiet positive encouragement from my team,  I found  a way across the "scramble" a section of the trail that is pretty much a path of boulders and sometimes, for me, needed to be approached on all fours. The reward for this humble crossing is one of the most exquisite vistas I have ever seen. The beauty of nature at its best viewed from atop a bluff like perch is nothing short of awe inspiring.

Of course what goes up must come down but we took a less steep trial on the way back where I was able to carry on good conversation and take in some of the view. I was tired but buoyed up by adrenaline and an awesome feeling of accomplishment. The wonder of "I did it"replayed its message over and over in my mind until I got it and held onto its reality. I had won over the fear. I refused to let it stop me and I immersed myself in the ever present moment of the now relishing my accomplishment.

It was not until the car ride home that the true message of the hike became my next aha moment.  Yes that was a big accomplishment, but in reality it was more like a metaphor for my life's journey. I could see it clearly as I reviewed the days journey up the mountain. At first it was slow going, a lot of baby steps on the way up, much like my dabbling in diet aids and quick fixes for an easy outcome on the diet path. Next things got a bit harder, larger boulders, steeper rock forms and the path not as clearly marked; my stops and restarts, discouraging weight loss challenges, health issues, no weight loss for weeks, hopeless feeling of not knowing how to get rid of this demon, where should I turn next. Oh yes, then the fall,  I was tripped up by a rocky path and took a spill. I didn't get hurt but it reminded me of all the times I fell on the journey toward healthy living, getting tripped up by useless fixes and misinformation. Finally the scramble, where the boulders make the path to the peak a bit more challenging just before the summit, yet kind words and strong hands directed me forward. That's what I was doing before the shift, scrambling around for the path of the quick fix, making excuse after excuse for my obesity and lack of exercise. I fought it hard, down on all fours praying for the easy answer and it didn't come because there is no easy in life. To see the  view at the Pinnacle I had to scramble on hands and knees, to view my weakness I had to really admit my lies and reconcile with the truth which is, there is no magic. But there are  people who know the trail, whose sage advice and quiet confidence shed light on your path and  allow you to experience success. Stick with them, they are the voice of knowledge and expertise, they are the difference in Finding Yes.

 " If you do what you always did, you get what you always got".  Yesterday I did what I never did and I got what I never got. I got the picture in the beauty of the climb and the reward at the peak. I am still learning about the beauty of the climb on my journey toward wholeness but I know what it looks like at the top and I can't wait to get there.

Find a way

• I was recently listening to an interview with the swimmer Diana Nyad about her epic swim from Cuba to Florida. She said her mantra that got her through the challenge to do the swim was "Find a way"! It struck me that I can use that to achieve my dream because I will get there if I find a way.

Find a way to get out of bed and run every morning, find a way to make healthy choices  when eating  challenges present themselves, find a way not to make the scale a god, find a way to love myself even when I don,t believe I can, find away to live in the now and not in what was or could be.

Find a way. Yes it is that hard and that simple. Life constantly throws down the gauntlet. Now is the time to find a way to pick it up and move forward.  I believe I will do just that. 

Cage Free

Eowyn: I fear neither death nor pain.
Aragorn: What do you fear, my lady?
Eowyn: A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them...

My apologies to Tolkien because I'm sure he didn't have someone like me in mind when he wrote the brave, sword-wielding Eowyn.  But, still, I know a little something about being locked in a cage.  Worse, mine wasn't a fortress of iron and stone suffered at the hand of a sworn enemy.  I built my own dungeon, cells not just of fat, but bulging from excuses, hopelessness, and yes, acceptance. 

When you are behind that wall, it is so hard to believe that you can choose not to stay.  But, you can.    So, although today you might see yourself out of breath, exhausted, and weak; today your hips, knees and feet might ache or falter don't think for one second think that you have to concede.  Remember  that even the smallest steps can get you wherever you want to go, but stop wishing, wishing is useless.   So, start small.   I spent so long treating my body as my enemy.  Even if I ate wisely and exercised regularly I was sure that out of sheer spite I would still be fat.  I couldn't trust physics on a grand scale.  That's ok.  I started believing with the meagerest of triumphs, a paper cut.  Really, one day I got a paper cut and after a day or two all the sting of it was gone. 

Somehow I knew that no matter what I read, was told, had convinced myself, that energy to restore me was there all along, an undeniable truth.  The rest--all traps, diet propaganda, and suddenly...all their sting was gone... no more cage.