Eowyn: I fear neither death nor pain.
Aragorn: What do you fear, my lady?
Eowyn: A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them...
My apologies to Tolkien because I'm sure he didn't have someone like me in mind when he wrote the brave, sword-wielding Eowyn. But, still, I know a little something about being locked in a cage. Worse, mine wasn't a fortress of iron and stone suffered at the hand of a sworn enemy. I built my own dungeon, cells not just of fat, but bulging from excuses, hopelessness, and yes, acceptance.
When you are behind that wall, it is so hard to believe that you can choose not to stay. But, you can. So, although today you might see yourself out of breath, exhausted, and weak; today your hips, knees and feet might ache or falter don't think for one second think that you have to concede. Remember that even the smallest steps can get you wherever you want to go, but stop wishing, wishing is useless. So, start small. I spent so long treating my body as my enemy. Even if I ate wisely and exercised regularly I was sure that out of sheer spite I would still be fat. I couldn't trust physics on a grand scale. That's ok. I started believing with the meagerest of triumphs, a paper cut. Really, one day I got a paper cut and after a day or two all the sting of it was gone.
Somehow I knew that no matter what I read, was told, had convinced myself, that energy to restore me was there all along, an undeniable truth. The rest--all traps, diet propaganda, and suddenly...all their sting was gone... no more cage.
When you are overweight life says NO a lot. Your body says NO; NO you can't fit into that; NO you can't do that, NO that hurts..and, your brain says NO even more, NO that's too hard, NO that's embarrassing, NO ...Even if I summoned the courage to take action then the "experts" would say NO. NO you can't have that, NO that's cheating, NO, NO, NO… And then would come the worst NO of all...NO I can't change, not really. Until the day I Found YES. Copyright 2009-2019 All Rights Reserved
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Saturday, October 12, 2013
The Journey 9-5-13
Beginnings
I look into the mirror today and I hate myself. I have hated myself for so long that I cannot remember when it began. But the feeling of self loathing begins to grow. I confirm it when I get on the scale, when my clothes don't button, when I can not longer stretch the favorite top enough to cover the bulges that clearly display my weakness. I stand in self loathing showering myself with all the evidence. Wanting to wash it away with some kind of magic cleansing that will make me see thin and beautiful in the mirror. But the reflection only confirms my fear. It is true. I am fat and ugly.
The above is a scene I repeat almost daily. I live with this demon and there are days when I feed its fire. But not today, I choose to begin again. I surrender, not to the enemy of self loathing, but to the serenity of love. I arm myself with its peace. Once again I set the intention to take care of myself, to begin with gratitude for the present moment and to choose yes.. Yes, today I may have the feelings, but the feelings will not have me.
9-4-13
I look into the mirror today and I hate myself. I have hated myself for so long that I cannot remember when it began. But the feeling of self loathing begins to grow. I confirm it when I get on the scale, when my clothes don't button, when I can not longer stretch the favorite top enough to cover the bulges that clearly display my weakness. I stand in self loathing showering myself with all the evidence. Wanting to wash it away with some kind of magic cleansing that will make me see thin and beautiful in the mirror. But the reflection only confirms my fear. It is true. I am fat and ugly.
The above is a scene I repeat almost daily. I live with this demon and there are days when I feed its fire. But not today, I choose to begin again. I surrender, not to the enemy of self loathing, but to the serenity of love. I arm myself with its peace. Once again I set the intention to take care of myself, to begin with gratitude for the present moment and to choose yes.. Yes, today I may have the feelings, but the feelings will not have me.
9-4-13
Hard Start. 9-7-13
The Journey- Hard Start
I want this to be easy. Like slipping on comfortable shoes, but it's not. It was hard to get up at 5:20 today. Taking the first baby steps toward some form of exercise.. I want this, I really do but it's hard. It's a commitment to a new way of living. It's saying yes even when your afraid of failing, like all the other times. I have done this before, I have succeeded before in weight loss and in running. But then I let go. I hold on to the lifeline but something happens and life once again challenges me with its ebb and flow of good and bad, presenting the old ways of thinking and I let go. I sink down into the abyss I have know for too long. The hopelessness of failure and,though I don't want to stay there ,it is comfortable even in my longing to be free.
It is hard to start again. I am 61 and still doing this, I say to myself. Then I realize that the this will never be over. Taking care of myself will never be done. I understand that now as I write this. Age has little to do with my goal. I begin to reframe my self talk. I see clearly that losing muscle mass is a fact of aging. The good news is it doesn't have to be. The best news is people with torches are coming to light my way to success. Thank you my light bearers ,you have shown me a way. I can see again that there is hope. I will get up tomorrow renewed and reinvigorated in my quest to find my best self even at 5:20 there is now a flicker of light in my purpose.
I want this to be easy. Like slipping on comfortable shoes, but it's not. It was hard to get up at 5:20 today. Taking the first baby steps toward some form of exercise.. I want this, I really do but it's hard. It's a commitment to a new way of living. It's saying yes even when your afraid of failing, like all the other times. I have done this before, I have succeeded before in weight loss and in running. But then I let go. I hold on to the lifeline but something happens and life once again challenges me with its ebb and flow of good and bad, presenting the old ways of thinking and I let go. I sink down into the abyss I have know for too long. The hopelessness of failure and,though I don't want to stay there ,it is comfortable even in my longing to be free.
It is hard to start again. I am 61 and still doing this, I say to myself. Then I realize that the this will never be over. Taking care of myself will never be done. I understand that now as I write this. Age has little to do with my goal. I begin to reframe my self talk. I see clearly that losing muscle mass is a fact of aging. The good news is it doesn't have to be. The best news is people with torches are coming to light my way to success. Thank you my light bearers ,you have shown me a way. I can see again that there is hope. I will get up tomorrow renewed and reinvigorated in my quest to find my best self even at 5:20 there is now a flicker of light in my purpose.
Fear of Flying. 9-9-13
I am trying to plan my new life. Slipping in any walking when I can, taking the long way around and using the stairs more than not. I worry about how hard this will be. I am on my own with the training, no one is watching me or saying 5 more. I sit and think am I doing this right, but any doing is better than non doing. I feel awkward and so unfit. I desperately want this part to be over . I want to be running my 3 miles and lifting 10 pound weights in whatever strength training I encounter as part of my program. I just hate the beginning. I am scared and nervous that it won't work. But that is old thinking, it is not the Yes I have promised myself. So I walk forward in hope, resolving to do the work, relinquishing the outcome to the universe. I set the intention, I know where I want to go and it is all so much bigger than me.
The Journey- You Have to Make the Shift 9-23-13
I know the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Seems I have been a little askew lately taking this way and that to the path of weight loss. I keep saying this is hard. Just to fall into the range of those annoying body mass index charts would require at least a 50 pound weight loss. The task seem rather daunting as I have not seen that kind of weight reduction in 10 or 15 years. 50 pounds I say to myself. I'll just have another cookie.
But somewhere along that line one has to make the shift. I read somewhere, in one of those self help diet books, that it is all about the psychological shift. In other words what I put into my head. I have played a lot of games in my head,convincing myself that those hundred calorie packs were really zero, or that the chocolate nugget didn't really count because it was soooo small. What's different now is that I have set my intention: it is no longer about what I would like to eat, it is about choosing something I want even more- to be the best me I can be and that includes losing weight.
My diet companions in the great library of books I have collected say"When you are at the point where the pain of the present out-weighs the sacrifice change demands you are really ready"! I am there at point A.
That's my straight line, I am fed up, I am willing to work hard, I have a plan and best of all I have people who believe I can succeed. I am at point A and the line seems straighter than ever in reaching out to meet point B.
But somewhere along that line one has to make the shift. I read somewhere, in one of those self help diet books, that it is all about the psychological shift. In other words what I put into my head. I have played a lot of games in my head,convincing myself that those hundred calorie packs were really zero, or that the chocolate nugget didn't really count because it was soooo small. What's different now is that I have set my intention: it is no longer about what I would like to eat, it is about choosing something I want even more- to be the best me I can be and that includes losing weight.
My diet companions in the great library of books I have collected say"When you are at the point where the pain of the present out-weighs the sacrifice change demands you are really ready"! I am there at point A.
That's my straight line, I am fed up, I am willing to work hard, I have a plan and best of all I have people who believe I can succeed. I am at point A and the line seems straighter than ever in reaching out to meet point B.
Make the Commitment. 10-6-13
What happens first is the dream. There is magic in beginning, a tail wind of sorts, where all kinds of aid starts to come to you. Our higher self is calling to us and allying itself to our deepest desires.But there is no magic to the commitment, the thing you resolve to do when you make up your mind to do it and you do it. It is then after the promise and the best of intentions that we see resistance, the shadow that follows the dream. So you don't have to do it, the logging of food,the exercise, the food preperation necessary for healthy eating, it's your choice the inner voice chants Then comes the nagging sensation you feel when not doing what's good for you is worse than doing it.
How do I get out of my small mind and lose myself to the bigger picture, to living more in the present and focusing on the now and not the results. The shadow says I am not worthy,not good enough, done this before and can't do it again. These negative thoughts roam in my head, creating the fear of failure. Then panic sets in. What if I can't do this? This shadow voice, this force of nature that confronts us and keeps us stuck in the same old stuff. What is the thing that keeps me from taking care of myself?
We feel resistance most strongly when we are about to dare greatly and grow spiritually. I know the road ahead is unending but I fight the resistance in me because when I do the universe begins to lift me up sending me its messages of hope affirming my intention to be who I was created to be, encouraging me to offer my gifts to the world. Ok so it's a choice. I consciously set the intention to be my best self. I don't have to do it alone. But I have to choose it, day by day, moment by moment.