Hard Start. 9-7-13

The Journey- Hard Start

I want this to be easy. Like slipping on comfortable shoes, but it's not. It was hard to get up at 5:20 today. Taking the first baby steps toward some form of exercise.. I want this, I really do but it's hard. It's a commitment to a new way of living. It's saying yes even when your afraid of failing, like all the other times. I have done this before, I have succeeded before in weight loss and in running. But then I let go. I hold on to the lifeline but something happens and life once again challenges me with its ebb and flow of good and bad, presenting  the old ways of thinking and I let go. I sink down into the abyss I have know for too long. The hopelessness of failure and,though I don't want to stay there ,it is comfortable even in my longing to be free.
It is hard to start again. I am 61 and still doing this, I say to myself. Then I realize that the this will never be over. Taking care of myself will never be done.  I understand that now as I write this. Age has little to do with my goal. I  begin to reframe my self talk. I see clearly that losing muscle mass is a fact of aging. The good news is it doesn't have to be. The best news is people with torches are coming to light my way to success. Thank you my light bearers ,you have shown me a way. I can see again that there is hope. I will get up tomorrow renewed and reinvigorated in my quest to find my best self even at 5:20 there is now a flicker of light in my purpose.