There was always an intense fear of failure that came with my holidays. Failure to reach the bar I always set for myself. That was most likely because if, and. or when I reached the bar, I would move it. In truth, I am not even certain I know what the goal was although it definitely involved losing weight, getting thinner, striving for perfection. As I moved through the weeks of preparation for the next holiday party or event I would come to realize I could not reach my lofty weight loss goals. I had too much weight to lose and it was just not going to happen. About a week before Christmas I would start feeling really deprived . Poor me, I couldn't eat the Christmas cookies, the candy, the high calorie snacks or appetizers that were being offered, because I was too fat. This led me to believe that I would never reach the bar so why not just put it down. If I didn't have the challenge then I wouldn't have the fight. I surrendered to the power of the food and totally gave into to its all encompassing control of me. I could say there were some valid reasons for my apathy, and I am sure you might agree with how these reasons rightly played a part in the demise of my healthy eating plan. But the fact remains I chose to put down the tools and take up feeding the wound inside me that continued to fester its ever present mantra of "you're not good enough"
I am happy and humbled to report that this holiday has "shaped up"(pardon the pun ) differently. First and foremost there is no bar. It is only me and my conscious decision to become healthy. "I choose the food, it does not choose me". Let me explain what I mean by this. Example number one; I was invited to my granddaughter's birthday party where I knew there would be homemade ice cream which I love. I made a conscious decision before going that I would not be eating ice cream that day. It felt drastically different to be in charge and oh so good to know I was totally OK with this decision. Not depravation but exhilaration at the fact that I could choose my "Yes"
Example number two; I entered a 5K Turkey Trot held in our town on Thanksgiving Day. When the day presented itself it was bone chilling cold and the course was icy and quite slushy. I had run the route many times in the weeks leading up to race day, but never in the type of whether this day delivered. In all honesty, there was one nanosecond where the thought of not running floated across my radar promoting weather related excuses. I chose to run, though the reasons not to, presented themselves palpably. I chose my "Yes" and even in 14 degree weather came in 3rd for my age group out of 740 runners.
I could go on with the changes occurring inside me but my point is that they are happening .Today I ran 4 miles. I said Yes to healthy and have begun healing the inner wounds that have plagued me daily for what seems like an eternity. For so much of my life I was willful in forcing changes through my own will or I was will-less giving up because I was tired of trying. But it wasn't until I became willing that I stumbled upon the great gift of "Finding Yes" and began discovering I am so worth it!!!
When you are overweight life says NO a lot. Your body says NO; NO you can't fit into that; NO you can't do that, NO that hurts..and, your brain says NO even more, NO that's too hard, NO that's embarrassing, NO ...Even if I summoned the courage to take action then the "experts" would say NO. NO you can't have that, NO that's cheating, NO, NO, NO… And then would come the worst NO of all...NO I can't change, not really. Until the day I Found YES. Copyright 2009-2019 All Rights Reserved
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Sunday, November 17, 2013
I did it!
About 60 days ago I made a commitment to hike the Pinnacle near Hamburg with my husband, my biggest supporter, and two special people who bring only goodness and light to me on my journey. It was a goal I set for myself to train for and to work toward. Yesterday was the day of the hike and we could not have had better weather, no wind and temperatures in the 50's. I must admit I was nervous and fearful that it would be too much for me. At the very least, I am dragging an extra fifty pounds around, finding any incline to be a breathing challenge. Yet here I was committing to hike the Pinnacle. Yes a pinnacle, an apex, acme, crest, peak, summit or any other synonym you might name; they all mean ascending upward. Fear began to rear its ugly head, and because I opened that door, it came seeping in stealing away my inner resolve. I really had to fight its takeover of my ambition, training time and commitment.
The Pinnacle is a 9 mile section of the Appalachian Trail that is moderately difficult because of its rocky terrain and steep incline. I was told that it is the most difficult part of the AT in Pennsylvania. That being said it wasn't easy, and I remained determined but breathless much of the way up. The rocks are more like giant boulders at several parts and one needs to carefully find a sturdy foothold to cross their path. I had help and encouragement although fear occasionally leaked its message inside my inner resolve wanting to take over my determination. With quiet positive encouragement from my team, I found a way across the "scramble" a section of the trail that is pretty much a path of boulders and sometimes, for me, needed to be approached on all fours. The reward for this humble crossing is one of the most exquisite vistas I have ever seen. The beauty of nature at its best viewed from atop a bluff like perch is nothing short of awe inspiring.
Of course what goes up must come down but we took a less steep trial on the way back where I was able to carry on good conversation and take in some of the view. I was tired but buoyed up by adrenaline and an awesome feeling of accomplishment. The wonder of "I did it"replayed its message over and over in my mind until I got it and held onto its reality. I had won over the fear. I refused to let it stop me and I immersed myself in the ever present moment of the now relishing my accomplishment.
It was not until the car ride home that the true message of the hike became my next aha moment. Yes that was a big accomplishment, but in reality it was more like a metaphor for my life's journey. I could see it clearly as I reviewed the days journey up the mountain. At first it was slow going, a lot of baby steps on the way up, much like my dabbling in diet aids and quick fixes for an easy outcome on the diet path. Next things got a bit harder, larger boulders, steeper rock forms and the path not as clearly marked; my stops and restarts, discouraging weight loss challenges, health issues, no weight loss for weeks, hopeless feeling of not knowing how to get rid of this demon, where should I turn next. Oh yes, then the fall, I was tripped up by a rocky path and took a spill. I didn't get hurt but it reminded me of all the times I fell on the journey toward healthy living, getting tripped up by useless fixes and misinformation. Finally the scramble, where the boulders make the path to the peak a bit more challenging just before the summit, yet kind words and strong hands directed me forward. That's what I was doing before the shift, scrambling around for the path of the quick fix, making excuse after excuse for my obesity and lack of exercise. I fought it hard, down on all fours praying for the easy answer and it didn't come because there is no easy in life. To see the view at the Pinnacle I had to scramble on hands and knees, to view my weakness I had to really admit my lies and reconcile with the truth which is, there is no magic. But there are people who know the trail, whose sage advice and quiet confidence shed light on your path and allow you to experience success. Stick with them, they are the voice of knowledge and expertise, they are the difference in Finding Yes.
" If you do what you always did, you get what you always got". Yesterday I did what I never did and I got what I never got. I got the picture in the beauty of the climb and the reward at the peak. I am still learning about the beauty of the climb on my journey toward wholeness but I know what it looks like at the top and I can't wait to get there.
The Pinnacle is a 9 mile section of the Appalachian Trail that is moderately difficult because of its rocky terrain and steep incline. I was told that it is the most difficult part of the AT in Pennsylvania. That being said it wasn't easy, and I remained determined but breathless much of the way up. The rocks are more like giant boulders at several parts and one needs to carefully find a sturdy foothold to cross their path. I had help and encouragement although fear occasionally leaked its message inside my inner resolve wanting to take over my determination. With quiet positive encouragement from my team, I found a way across the "scramble" a section of the trail that is pretty much a path of boulders and sometimes, for me, needed to be approached on all fours. The reward for this humble crossing is one of the most exquisite vistas I have ever seen. The beauty of nature at its best viewed from atop a bluff like perch is nothing short of awe inspiring.
Of course what goes up must come down but we took a less steep trial on the way back where I was able to carry on good conversation and take in some of the view. I was tired but buoyed up by adrenaline and an awesome feeling of accomplishment. The wonder of "I did it"replayed its message over and over in my mind until I got it and held onto its reality. I had won over the fear. I refused to let it stop me and I immersed myself in the ever present moment of the now relishing my accomplishment.
It was not until the car ride home that the true message of the hike became my next aha moment. Yes that was a big accomplishment, but in reality it was more like a metaphor for my life's journey. I could see it clearly as I reviewed the days journey up the mountain. At first it was slow going, a lot of baby steps on the way up, much like my dabbling in diet aids and quick fixes for an easy outcome on the diet path. Next things got a bit harder, larger boulders, steeper rock forms and the path not as clearly marked; my stops and restarts, discouraging weight loss challenges, health issues, no weight loss for weeks, hopeless feeling of not knowing how to get rid of this demon, where should I turn next. Oh yes, then the fall, I was tripped up by a rocky path and took a spill. I didn't get hurt but it reminded me of all the times I fell on the journey toward healthy living, getting tripped up by useless fixes and misinformation. Finally the scramble, where the boulders make the path to the peak a bit more challenging just before the summit, yet kind words and strong hands directed me forward. That's what I was doing before the shift, scrambling around for the path of the quick fix, making excuse after excuse for my obesity and lack of exercise. I fought it hard, down on all fours praying for the easy answer and it didn't come because there is no easy in life. To see the view at the Pinnacle I had to scramble on hands and knees, to view my weakness I had to really admit my lies and reconcile with the truth which is, there is no magic. But there are people who know the trail, whose sage advice and quiet confidence shed light on your path and allow you to experience success. Stick with them, they are the voice of knowledge and expertise, they are the difference in Finding Yes.
" If you do what you always did, you get what you always got". Yesterday I did what I never did and I got what I never got. I got the picture in the beauty of the climb and the reward at the peak. I am still learning about the beauty of the climb on my journey toward wholeness but I know what it looks like at the top and I can't wait to get there.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Find a way
- I was recently listening to an interview with the swimmer Diana Nyad about her epic swim from Cuba to Florida. She said her mantra that got her through the challenge to do the swim was "Find a way"! It struck me that I can use that to achieve my dream because I will get there if I find a way.
Find a way to get out of bed and run every morning, find a way to make healthy choices when eating challenges present themselves, find a way not to make the scale a god, find a way to love myself even when I don,t believe I can, find away to live in the now and not in what was or could be.
Find a way. Yes it is that hard and that simple. Life constantly throws down the gauntlet. Now is the time to find a way to pick it up and move forward. I believe I will do just that.