There was always an intense fear of failure that came with my holidays. Failure to reach the bar I always set for myself. That was most likely because if, and. or when I reached the bar, I would move it. In truth, I am not even certain I know what the goal was although it definitely involved losing weight, getting thinner, striving for perfection. As I moved through the weeks of preparation for the next holiday party or event I would come to realize I could not reach my lofty weight loss goals. I had too much weight to lose and it was just not going to happen. About a week before Christmas I would start feeling really deprived . Poor me, I couldn't eat the Christmas cookies, the candy, the high calorie snacks or appetizers that were being offered, because I was too fat. This led me to believe that I would never reach the bar so why not just put it down. If I didn't have the challenge then I wouldn't have the fight. I surrendered to the power of the food and totally gave into to its all encompassing control of me. I could say there were some valid reasons for my apathy, and I am sure you might agree with how these reasons rightly played a part in the demise of my healthy eating plan. But the fact remains I chose to put down the tools and take up feeding the wound inside me that continued to fester its ever present mantra of "you're not good enough"
I am happy and humbled to report that this holiday has "shaped up"(pardon the pun ) differently. First and foremost there is no bar. It is only me and my conscious decision to become healthy. "I choose the food, it does not choose me". Let me explain what I mean by this. Example number one; I was invited to my granddaughter's birthday party where I knew there would be homemade ice cream which I love. I made a conscious decision before going that I would not be eating ice cream that day. It felt drastically different to be in charge and oh so good to know I was totally OK with this decision. Not depravation but exhilaration at the fact that I could choose my "Yes"
Example number two; I entered a 5K Turkey Trot held in our town on Thanksgiving Day. When the day presented itself it was bone chilling cold and the course was icy and quite slushy. I had run the route many times in the weeks leading up to race day, but never in the type of whether this day delivered. In all honesty, there was one nanosecond where the thought of not running floated across my radar promoting weather related excuses. I chose to run, though the reasons not to, presented themselves palpably. I chose my "Yes" and even in 14 degree weather came in 3rd for my age group out of 740 runners.
I could go on with the changes occurring inside me but my point is that they are happening .Today I ran 4 miles. I said Yes to healthy and have begun healing the inner wounds that have plagued me daily for what seems like an eternity. For so much of my life I was willful in forcing changes through my own will or I was will-less giving up because I was tired of trying. But it wasn't until I became willing that I stumbled upon the great gift of "Finding Yes" and began discovering I am so worth it!!!
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