Beginnings
I look into the mirror today and I hate myself. I have hated myself for so long that I cannot remember when it began. But the feeling of self loathing begins to grow. I confirm it when I get on the scale, when my clothes don't button, when I can not longer stretch the favorite top enough to cover the bulges that clearly display my weakness. I stand in self loathing showering myself with all the evidence. Wanting to wash it away with some kind of magic cleansing that will make me see thin and beautiful in the mirror. But the reflection only confirms my fear. It is true. I am fat and ugly.
The above is a scene I repeat almost daily. I live with this demon and there are days when I feed its fire. But not today, I choose to begin again. I surrender, not to the enemy of self loathing, but to the serenity of love. I arm myself with its peace. Once again I set the intention to take care of myself, to begin with gratitude for the present moment and to choose yes.. Yes, today I may have the feelings, but the feelings will not have me.
9-4-13
I could have written these words this morning except the part about serenity and peace. I'm filled with self- loathing and a sense of hopelessness. I have been in this black hole before. Almost feels too difficult to climb out this time.
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