Just in Case at Christmastime

My family and I have spent many days on the road to and from Wisconsin and Iowa and probably half these road trips were at Christmastime.  I never really mind; but our car always looks like we are expecting a disaster: tire chains, snow pants, jumper cables, quilts, bottled water, just in case.  In some ways, Christmas Eve carries the same anticipation.  It is a marathon of a day, and before I really get going I am troubleshooting.  That's why at 7am I am making lunch.  Dinner is late, after Church with a huge crowd, and of course the traditional Italian Feast of Seven Fishes.  But, my best time for being strategic is in the morning.  And, for me, especially at Christmas, I am strategic about food. Not because I am wearing a cocktail dress, although believe me choosing a fitted outfit is totally deliberate. I don't want to kid myself into thinking I have room for gluttony, gluttony isn't worthy of Christmas to me.  I am intentional about my food because for too long I elevated it to a status beyond the people I was having the food with, a compulsion which led me to pain I am unwilling to endure ever again.  So, what's guarding me from hunger-driven, sugar-driven, busy-driven recklessness this afternoon?  Whole Foods' Butternut Squash Soup.  It is simmering away, only gets better no matter how long my to do list may be, and is super healthy!  So, think about it yourself, an early Christmas present...setting yourself up for a very Merry day!  Remember, it's a choice.

"Finding Yes" During the Holidays

There was always an intense fear of failure that came with my holidays. Failure to reach the bar I always set for myself. That was most likely because if, and. or when I reached the bar, I would move it. In truth, I am not even certain I know what the goal was although it definitely involved losing weight, getting thinner, striving for perfection. As I moved through the weeks of preparation for the next holiday party or event I would come to realize I could not reach my lofty weight loss goals.  I had too much weight to lose and it was just not going to happen. About a week before Christmas I would start feeling really deprived . Poor me, I couldn't eat the Christmas cookies, the candy, the high calorie snacks or appetizers that were being offered, because I was too fat. This led me to believe that I would never reach the bar so why not just put it down. If I didn't have the challenge then I wouldn't have the fight. I surrendered to the power of the food and totally gave into to its all encompassing control of me. I could say there were some valid reasons for my apathy, and I am sure you might agree with how these reasons rightly played a part in the demise of my healthy eating plan. But the fact remains I chose to put down the tools and take up feeding the wound inside me that continued to fester its ever present mantra of "you're not good enough"

I am happy and humbled to report that this holiday has "shaped up"(pardon the pun )  differently.  First and foremost there is no bar. It is only me and my conscious decision to become healthy. "I choose the food, it does not choose me". Let me explain what I mean by this. Example number one; I was invited to my granddaughter's birthday party where I knew there would be homemade ice cream which I love. I made a conscious decision before going that I would not be eating ice cream that day. It felt drastically different to be in charge and oh so good to know I was totally OK with this decision. Not depravation but exhilaration at the fact that I could choose my "Yes"

Example number two; I entered a 5K Turkey Trot held in our town on Thanksgiving Day. When the day presented itself it was bone chilling cold and the course was icy and quite slushy. I had run the route many times in the weeks leading up to race day, but never in the type of whether this day delivered. In all honesty, there was one nanosecond where the thought of not running floated across my radar promoting weather related excuses. I chose to run, though the reasons not to, presented themselves palpably. I chose my "Yes" and even in 14 degree weather came in 3rd  for my age group out of 740  runners.

I could go on with the changes occurring inside me but my point is that they are happening .Today I ran 4 miles. I said Yes to healthy and have begun healing the inner wounds that have plagued me daily for what seems like an eternity. For so much of my life I was willful in forcing changes through my own will or I was will-less giving up because I was tired of trying. But it wasn't until I became willing that I stumbled upon the great gift of "Finding Yes" and began discovering I am so worth it!!!

I did it!

About 60 days ago I made a commitment to hike the Pinnacle near Hamburg with my husband, my biggest supporter, and two special people who bring only goodness and light to me on my journey. It was a goal I set for myself to train for and to work toward. Yesterday was the day of the hike and we could not have had better weather, no wind and temperatures in the 50's. I must admit I was nervous and fearful that it would be too much for me. At the very least, I am dragging an extra fifty pounds around, finding any incline to be a breathing challenge.  Yet here I was committing to hike the Pinnacle. Yes a pinnacle, an apex, acme, crest, peak, summit or any other synonym you might name; they all mean ascending upward. Fear began to rear its ugly head, and because I opened that door, it came seeping in stealing away my inner resolve. I really had to fight its takeover of my ambition, training time and commitment.

The Pinnacle is a 9 mile section of the Appalachian Trail that is moderately difficult because of its rocky terrain  and steep incline. I was told that it is the most difficult part of the AT in Pennsylvania. That being said it wasn't easy, and I remained determined but breathless much of the way up. The rocks are more like giant boulders at several parts and one needs to carefully find a sturdy foothold to cross their path. I had help and encouragement although fear occasionally leaked its message inside my inner resolve wanting to take over my  determination. With quiet positive encouragement from my team,  I found  a way across the "scramble" a section of the trail that is pretty much a path of boulders and sometimes, for me, needed to be approached on all fours. The reward for this humble crossing is one of the most exquisite vistas I have ever seen. The beauty of nature at its best viewed from atop a bluff like perch is nothing short of awe inspiring.

Of course what goes up must come down but we took a less steep trial on the way back where I was able to carry on good conversation and take in some of the view. I was tired but buoyed up by adrenaline and an awesome feeling of accomplishment. The wonder of "I did it"replayed its message over and over in my mind until I got it and held onto its reality. I had won over the fear. I refused to let it stop me and I immersed myself in the ever present moment of the now relishing my accomplishment.

It was not until the car ride home that the true message of the hike became my next aha moment.  Yes that was a big accomplishment, but in reality it was more like a metaphor for my life's journey. I could see it clearly as I reviewed the days journey up the mountain. At first it was slow going, a lot of baby steps on the way up, much like my dabbling in diet aids and quick fixes for an easy outcome on the diet path. Next things got a bit harder, larger boulders, steeper rock forms and the path not as clearly marked; my stops and restarts, discouraging weight loss challenges, health issues, no weight loss for weeks, hopeless feeling of not knowing how to get rid of this demon, where should I turn next. Oh yes, then the fall,  I was tripped up by a rocky path and took a spill. I didn't get hurt but it reminded me of all the times I fell on the journey toward healthy living, getting tripped up by useless fixes and misinformation. Finally the scramble, where the boulders make the path to the peak a bit more challenging just before the summit, yet kind words and strong hands directed me forward. That's what I was doing before the shift, scrambling around for the path of the quick fix, making excuse after excuse for my obesity and lack of exercise. I fought it hard, down on all fours praying for the easy answer and it didn't come because there is no easy in life. To see the  view at the Pinnacle I had to scramble on hands and knees, to view my weakness I had to really admit my lies and reconcile with the truth which is, there is no magic. But there are  people who know the trail, whose sage advice and quiet confidence shed light on your path and  allow you to experience success. Stick with them, they are the voice of knowledge and expertise, they are the difference in Finding Yes.

 " If you do what you always did, you get what you always got".  Yesterday I did what I never did and I got what I never got. I got the picture in the beauty of the climb and the reward at the peak. I am still learning about the beauty of the climb on my journey toward wholeness but I know what it looks like at the top and I can't wait to get there.

Find a way

• I was recently listening to an interview with the swimmer Diana Nyad about her epic swim from Cuba to Florida. She said her mantra that got her through the challenge to do the swim was "Find a way"! It struck me that I can use that to achieve my dream because I will get there if I find a way.

Find a way to get out of bed and run every morning, find a way to make healthy choices  when eating  challenges present themselves, find a way not to make the scale a god, find a way to love myself even when I don,t believe I can, find away to live in the now and not in what was or could be.

Find a way. Yes it is that hard and that simple. Life constantly throws down the gauntlet. Now is the time to find a way to pick it up and move forward.  I believe I will do just that. 

Cage Free

Eowyn: I fear neither death nor pain.
Aragorn: What do you fear, my lady?
Eowyn: A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them...

My apologies to Tolkien because I'm sure he didn't have someone like me in mind when he wrote the brave, sword-wielding Eowyn.  But, still, I know a little something about being locked in a cage.  Worse, mine wasn't a fortress of iron and stone suffered at the hand of a sworn enemy.  I built my own dungeon, cells not just of fat, but bulging from excuses, hopelessness, and yes, acceptance. 

When you are behind that wall, it is so hard to believe that you can choose not to stay.  But, you can.    So, although today you might see yourself out of breath, exhausted, and weak; today your hips, knees and feet might ache or falter don't think for one second think that you have to concede.  Remember  that even the smallest steps can get you wherever you want to go, but stop wishing, wishing is useless.   So, start small.   I spent so long treating my body as my enemy.  Even if I ate wisely and exercised regularly I was sure that out of sheer spite I would still be fat.  I couldn't trust physics on a grand scale.  That's ok.  I started believing with the meagerest of triumphs, a paper cut.  Really, one day I got a paper cut and after a day or two all the sting of it was gone. 

Somehow I knew that no matter what I read, was told, had convinced myself, that energy to restore me was there all along, an undeniable truth.  The rest--all traps, diet propaganda, and suddenly...all their sting was gone... no more cage.

The Journey 9-5-13

Beginnings
I look into the mirror today and I hate myself. I have hated myself for so long that I cannot remember when it began. But the feeling of self loathing begins to grow. I confirm it when I get on the scale, when my clothes don't button, when I can not longer stretch the favorite top enough to cover the bulges that clearly display my weakness. I stand in self loathing showering myself with all the evidence. Wanting to wash it away with some kind of magic cleansing that will make me see thin and beautiful in the mirror. But the reflection only confirms my fear.  It is true. I am fat and ugly.

The above is a scene I repeat almost daily. I live with this demon and there are days when I feed its fire. But not today, I choose to begin again. I surrender, not to the enemy of self loathing, but to the serenity of love. I arm myself with its peace. Once again I set the intention to take care of myself, to begin with gratitude for the present moment and to choose yes.. Yes, today  I may have the feelings, but the feelings will not have me.
9-4-13

Hard Start. 9-7-13

The Journey- Hard Start

I want this to be easy. Like slipping on comfortable shoes, but it's not. It was hard to get up at 5:20 today. Taking the first baby steps toward some form of exercise.. I want this, I really do but it's hard. It's a commitment to a new way of living. It's saying yes even when your afraid of failing, like all the other times. I have done this before, I have succeeded before in weight loss and in running. But then I let go. I hold on to the lifeline but something happens and life once again challenges me with its ebb and flow of good and bad, presenting  the old ways of thinking and I let go. I sink down into the abyss I have know for too long. The hopelessness of failure and,though I don't want to stay there ,it is comfortable even in my longing to be free.
It is hard to start again. I am 61 and still doing this, I say to myself. Then I realize that the this will never be over. Taking care of myself will never be done.  I understand that now as I write this. Age has little to do with my goal. I  begin to reframe my self talk. I see clearly that losing muscle mass is a fact of aging. The good news is it doesn't have to be. The best news is people with torches are coming to light my way to success. Thank you my light bearers ,you have shown me a way. I can see again that there is hope. I will get up tomorrow renewed and reinvigorated in my quest to find my best self even at 5:20 there is now a flicker of light in my purpose.

Fear of Flying. 9-9-13

I am trying to plan my new life. Slipping in any walking when I can, taking the long way around and using the stairs more than not. I worry about how hard this will be. I am on my own with the training, no one is watching me or saying 5 more.  I sit and think am I doing this right, but any doing is better than non doing. I feel awkward and so unfit. I desperately want this part to be over . I want to be running my 3 miles and lifting 10 pound weights in whatever strength training I encounter as part of my program. I just hate the beginning. I am scared and nervous that it won't work. But that is old thinking, it is not the Yes I have promised myself. So I walk forward in hope, resolving to do the work, relinquishing the outcome to the universe. I set the intention, I know where I want to go and it is all so much bigger than me.

The Journey- You Have to Make the Shift 9-23-13

I know the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Seems I have been a little askew lately taking this way and that to the path of weight loss. I keep saying this is hard. Just to fall into the range of those annoying body mass index charts would require at least a 50 pound weight loss. The task seem rather daunting as I have not seen that kind of weight reduction in 10 or 15 years. 50 pounds I say to myself. I'll just have another cookie.
But somewhere along that line one has to make the shift. I read somewhere, in one of those self help diet books, that it is all about the psychological shift. In other words what I put into my head. I have played a lot of games in my head,convincing myself that those hundred calorie packs were really zero, or that the chocolate nugget didn't really count because it was soooo small. What's different now is that I have set my intention: it is no longer about what I would like to eat, it is about choosing something I want even more- to be the best me I can be and that includes losing weight.
My diet companions in the great library of books I have collected say"When  you are at the point where the pain of the present out-weighs the sacrifice change demands you are really ready"! I am there at point A.
That's my straight line, I am fed up, I am willing to work hard, I have a plan and best of all I have people who believe I can succeed. I am at point A and the line seems straighter than ever in reaching out to meet point B.

Make the Commitment. 10-6-13

What happens first is the dream. There is magic in beginning, a tail wind of sorts, where all kinds of aid starts to come to you. Our higher self is calling to us and allying itself to our deepest desires.But there is no magic to the commitment, the thing you resolve to do when  you make up your mind to do it and you do it.   It is then after the promise and the best of intentions that we see resistance, the shadow that follows the dream. So you don't have to do it, the logging of food,the exercise, the food preperation necessary for healthy eating, it's your choice the inner voice chants  Then comes the nagging sensation you feel when not doing what's good for you is worse than doing it.

How do I get out of my small mind and lose myself to the bigger picture, to living more in the present and focusing on the now and not the results.  The shadow says I am not worthy,not good enough, done this before and can't do it again. These negative thoughts roam in my head, creating the fear of failure. Then panic sets in. What if I can't do this? This shadow voice, this force of nature that confronts us and keeps us stuck in the same old stuff. What is the thing that keeps me from taking care of myself?

We feel resistance most strongly when we are about to dare greatly and grow spiritually. I know the road ahead is unending but I fight the resistance in me because when I do the universe begins to lift me up sending me its messages of hope affirming my intention to be who I was created to be, encouraging me to offer my gifts to the world. Ok so it's a choice. I consciously set the intention to be my best self. I don't have to do it alone. But I have to choose it, day by day, moment by moment.

An open letter to my right knee, left arch, and both hips:

Dear Appendages:
I know I haven't always been good to you. I did way too much and way too little all at once. I spent decades abusing you with gravity, gluttony and indifference.  But, don't give up because I am better now and I am hoping that you all get better too.  Don't make that horrible grinding noise that had Josh purposely positioning my workouts near the fan to drown you out.  Don't swell and ache at every ridiculous change in the weather and don't riddle my soft tissue with "rice crispies" that have to be filed away by a professional for me to stay ambulatory, and most of all don't drop me- even if I  deserve all of it.  If you do we'll miss too much of the amazing stuff we can do now.  There are mountains to climb, races to run, and teams to be part of.  I know I owe you all. I will pay the way with food journals that scream lean protein and vegetables, with stretches that bore me but work, with training even when I'm not training, and with SLEEP.  I await your terms...
Thank you,
Me

The Pact

About 15 years ago my friend and I agreed to walk every morning before work.  To fit it in we had to walk at 5:30am and when winter came along it was REALLY hard to face the dark, cold Iowa mornings.  But we had a signal.  When each of us got ready we would put the front porch light on so the other could see.  There were definitely days when I dreaded going but my friend's light was on and I couldn't let her down and vice versa.  So we walked consistently in nearly every kind of weather because we had made a fitness pact.  Now there is texting, blogs, facetime, and facebook and sometimes they take too much attention.  But when it comes to this journey it is such a gift to have people who are in it with me (and you know who you are from PA to VA, MI to OR and everywhere in between)   I'm still just looking out my front window and seeing the light and in case you didn't know it is you.  You are the signal.  So no matter how dark or cold or tired I keep moving forward.

Not that Willing

"If my meniscus is the culprit, what can I do to help my knee, other than be lighter?"  This is how training starts off today.  My right knee made a noise yesterday that no joint should ever make.  Not the grinding patellar tracking condition that has been there for a decade.  This was more like a pop. It was loud and foreboding.  And so was the implication that came with it.  Let's face it I have been working out hard for ten years.  I talk about fitness all day long at work.  My whole household will swear that our pantry and fridge are not worth raiding. I have dreaded this day.  Because the truth is I know Greg's formula for losing twenty pounds.  It is an amazingly simple formula:  "Just eat 50 calories a day less than you need and in time it adds up to 20 pounds.  But I have cut nearly all of the "extras" out and I am tracking my intake so I know where these calories have to come from and I am loathe to admit it.  But I need two knees that work and that makes me willing on a level that my willingness has not been since I faced the prospect of seat belt extenders on an airplane...  It  means cutting coffee, or more precisely, the creamer in my coffee. I know from looking at my stats that these are consistently the least nutritious calories I consume.  So, there it is.  Simple.  If you are willing.

Whichever One You Feed

I don't know the origin, but legend has it that a boy and his father were watching two wild dogs poised for attack, one is healthy & strong with a thick, lustrous coat, and bright eyes while the other is mangy, starving, and scarred from many vicious fights.  The boy questions: "Which one will survive..."  The father replies: "Whichever one you feed."  

Today was one of those days where you feel your time and decisions being at odds like those two dogs.  Assurance eluded me and I went from one chore to the next, not accomplishing much.  My breathing felt shallow and rushed , I needed to be in at least two places simultaneously and am tired for no reason.  After too many hours of this I change clothes and go to my elliptical.  I am not really in the mood but have to try to shake my listlessness and the frustration of being tied to other people's priorities.  I commit to 30 minutes.  But, after 17 minutes I know this is the first good choice I have made in the ten hours since I got up.  My breathing evens out and I start mentally checking off the issues that perplexed me earlier.  Five miles later, life is good again.  But, the mangy dog is always on the prowl which is why I have an elliptical and don't keep Ben & Jerry's in my freezer.

Mirror, Mirror

I think I was in college the first time I heard the term "positive affirmation." I was attending one of many meetings in my long but unimpressive weight loss career. We were asked to practice saying phrases like "I am beautiful" while standing in front of a full length mirror. And, even then, I immediately understood the point and cringed at the very idea of doing it.

Just facing all 238.6 pounds of me prompted a tirade of insults. That instinct was so ingrained that even after losing more than 50 pounds, I would be in the gym in middle of an exercise and get completely derailed if I just noticed my reflection. I didn't realize this when it happened. It was as natural and ignored as breathing. But, it interfered enough that my trainer, Josh, without a word, started to deliberately position himself between the mirror and me, refusing to let my progress be waylaid, cutting the intrusions (I'm such a spaz"  "I look ridiculous") back as easily as if he'd reached up and smothered an attacker. The benefit of such quiet kindness (from someone typically so booming) is etched into my memory forever. But, of course, Josh couldn't stay and the latent venom-- "you pathetic girl", "you're so uncoordinated," "you idiot"-- of stings poses a greater threat over time.

It was after Josh moved that I realized his tactic and how much it eased my anxiety. I motioned to Greg in between reps to block the mirror...because, well, at the time I really didn't know Greg Hoak....If I had I would not have bothered.  I would have expected the laugh and response that came unequivocally which was "Oh if you are distracted by your own reflection you are just not working hard enough."  Suffice it say I never asked Greg for a "Can you prop up my dysfunction for me while we train" favor again.  I won't claim that I never winced at the mirror after that but I'll admit it's hard to absorb negative self talk when you are running a 3 story staircase or  hauling a box, sled, sledgehammer, etc.  Maybe it's the head rush talking, but now when I look in the mirror I can't help seeing all the sets and reps, starts and finish lines, all the appointments kept,  the action, and it occurs to me that "mirror" is better as a verb.  So, I strive to reflect the fantastic truth  "it is impossible for it not to work; it works every time"... to Mirror it out into the world.

Six Simple Weight Loss Musts From Someone Who Knows

Motivation and inspiration are crucial but sometimes you just need some practical tips from someone who has been there and is not trying to make money off of you.  If you are like me you decide to lose weight or get in shape but have no idea how to deal with the snags along the way.

1) If you have young children; find a gym with childcare.  This was a jackpot: like hour 25 plus a guaranteed shower and time to listen to my own music all rolled into one.  I guarantee you I was a better parent because of it.

2) The best kept secret isn't Victoria's in my experience.  Go to www.enell.com instead.  Even if you don't buy anything their blog is a wellspring of information and celebration.

3) I actually have to think about the order of these but yes, Music beats shoes.  I guess I really do think of my headphones as Skullcandy after all.  I started ten years ago with a case full of CDs but now I'm lost without iTunes and Pandora.  Someday I'll go for the premium version so I can skip the ads. I also reward myself with songs.  It's a good replacement for food rewards and often revives my workout.

4) Shoes, they really do make or break me.  Too individual for a recommendation but I will say that the wrong shoes have landed me in physical therapy.

5) Gum, I chew it at times or in situations where I would eat mindlessly.  Sometimes a 2 second pause is all I need to ward off bad habits.

6 ) Setting my scale to kilograms demonstrated in a nanosecond how much crap I've swallowed when it comes to weight measurement.  It's just an indicator, meant to guide us like one's body temperature or pulse.  Switching to Kg gives me a real metric without false praise or scorn.

Finding Yes at the Bottom of a Pint of Cherry Garcia

Even as I peel back the "freshness" seal I warn myself-  "You know this is just going to upset you later..." 

Oh yes, I know but I go on digging the grave of a thousand healthy decisions in a fell swoop like someone else is running my spoon. And the same old traitor, she reminds me that its not too far from here to our old hangout brimming with holiday treats and trite reasons like "after all we might as well."   It's tempting, to leap off my wagon until New Year's, but that's what it would be- a leap -not a fall. I know I can keep myself on; but fitness isn't two faced.   I'll have to throw her off first and there's a part of me that doesn't want to.

Still I call her out.  I can give her no quarter.
I will be true even when, NO, especially when I succumb.  Falling for packaging that someone deliberately designed to fit in one hand, passing off four servings as one.

 So I say it: " I betrayed my best self,"  but not for long.

 I am sick on the words & not even Ben & Jerry can mask the bitter taste.

 The scale said I was safe, but I knew I wasn't.  Just because you can't weigh a ghost doesn't mean its gone.

 I can hear her, conniving, justifying, maneuvering worse than the caloric math--the aftermath. There is a part of me that is drawn to her like John Nash was to Charles and Marcee in "A Beautiful Mind" but "she never grows up" either. The myth unravels. I leave its shadow behind and run for sunlight.

I face the glare ushering in pathetic reality.

 I say it out loud, the same day.
 I messed up.
 I ate the entire carton.

And as if I clicked my own Ruby slippers...I am back where I belong.  In that instant, in the disinfecting sun, what feels weak reveals underlying strength.  Like a fast fever that recognizes an intruding virus and will not relent to keep you comfortable.  Healing takes Truth : Truth Heals.   I'm done saving face.  I'll save the rest of me instead.

Nobody Can Do it For You--BUT

The day you pick up the phone or stop someone in the gym and ask about training should get circled on your calendar.  But I bet it won't be. In the beginning such a pivotal move feels ordinary, even pointless, but it's not; it's heroic.  No one could have felt more pathetic walking into a health club than I did ten years ago.  Now, a decade later that day trumps most of the occasions that seemed calendar-worthy then. I look back at that me and still cherish the five minutes of sheer courage it took to just...begin.  Why I so resisted just admitting that my own results were abysmal and that an expert was required still confounds me.  But, at least the next time I "got it" faster.  

After five years of maintaining my hundred pound weight loss and exercise habit, I had to face some facts: 1) I am not Elastigirl and 2) gravity definitely carries a grudge.  So, I started consulting plastic surgeons to literally pick up the decades of slack that no diet, workout, or trainer could erase.  And if I felt out of place at the gym, that was nothing compared to a surgical consult. God knows I had many reservations. But they just ended up being so much weaker than the disgust at my own reflection or the salt-stung view of lacy gifts from my husband that I knew I'd return. I wasn't looking for perfection.  I was looking for normal...the me I would have been had I not spent thirty five years trying to feed my soul from the outside in.  It was the third surgeon who made me a believer, tackling my physical fears and the ghosts of the stranded girl I once was.  But, it was also this amazing doctor who flat out told me that my insurance would never cover a cent of  the expense-- because (of all reasons) now I was too fit. The same insurance that would cover post gastric bypass excisions, reconstruction or revision of a scar, would have me wear my old self for the rest of time. 

And, I would have, would have swallowed that crap and blamed myself too, except that my family simply refused. It's true that nobody can change your diet for you and nobody can workout for you either.  But, having people who stand up for you (Really stand up for you, like sell-the-car-that's-their-pride-&-joy-write-you-a-check stand up for you)  when all practicality and reason tells you to relent-- is a sacred thing and all too scarce for a world so full of scales and mirrors.